please help me

Please help me get through this moment. Please. The pain is too great. The despair too deep. The alone-ness too unbearable.

He died and everyone wants me to be the person I was before.

I keep giving in to what people want to keep the peace.

I told someone who has not called me since before my husband died, “I’m sorry, I’ll try not to be so withdrawn if you bear with me”.

I feel sick.
I always say that no one ever stands up for me but the worst part is I never stand up for myself.

Maybe it is all me. I’m the fucked up one. I’m the one who should never have even been born. I’m the problem.

I’m the fucking cancer of this world. I felt that way before I met him and now I feel that way after he’s dead.

Why do I deserve to get through this moment?

I am failure.


~ by beadyamanda on September 5, 2010.

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