This time last year my husband was getting ready to undergo his last cycle of chemo. We were still optimistic that it would work. He was wasting away and sleeping more and more. I watched him sleep a lot and chewed my nails furiously in between all the day to day things I had to do to keep him going.

I was watching him die.

The scans would soon show that the chemo did not stop the cancer from growing. Chemo barely slowed it down.

Now I can’t help but wonder if we chose the best course of treatment for him. We had a choice between starting with an experimental treatment that would not fight cancer but instead would keep it in a sort of holding pattern. We thought since he was young, only 38, and still strong, we should start with the chemo first. Go on the offensive as it were.

I don’t know if it was the chemo or the cancer that ravaged his body…most likely both…but by this time he was so small and starting to get frail.

I miss him so much. I miss him before he was sick. I miss him while he was sick. It doesn’t matter. I just want him back. Even while he was sick, there were sweet moments. His favourite thing to do was smell my hair right after I took a shower. He would get me to lay my head on his chest as he lay in his hospital bed in the living room and he would put his shaky hand on my head while he took great big breaths in.

I miss everything about him.

Autumn is coming. Birthdays are coming.

Birthdays were always such a big deal for us. It was the one thing my parents always got right as I grew up and my husband always took such joy in celebrating them. Now things are different. No one else seems to share that joy with me like he did. Not even my mother and sister now. I used to love autumn for it’s birthdays, cooler temperatures, and lead in to Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Now I don’t know what to do.

I’m lost without him.


~ by beadyamanda on September 4, 2010.

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