please help me

•September 5, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Please help me get through this moment. Please. The pain is too great. The despair too deep. The alone-ness too unbearable.

He died and everyone wants me to be the person I was before.

I keep giving in to what people want to keep the peace.

I told someone who has not called me since before my husband died, “I’m sorry, I’ll try not to be so withdrawn if you bear with me”.

I feel sick.
I always say that no one ever stands up for me but the worst part is I never stand up for myself.

Maybe it is all me. I’m the fucked up one. I’m the one who should never have even been born. I’m the problem.

I’m the fucking cancer of this world. I felt that way before I met him and now I feel that way after he’s dead.

Why do I deserve to get through this moment?

I am failure.

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Fall

•September 4, 2010 • Leave a Comment

This time last year my husband was getting ready to undergo his last cycle of chemo. We were still optimistic that it would work. He was wasting away and sleeping more and more. I watched him sleep a lot and chewed my nails furiously in between all the day to day things I had to do to keep him going.

I was watching him die.

The scans would soon show that the chemo did not stop the cancer from growing. Chemo barely slowed it down.

Now I can’t help but wonder if we chose the best course of treatment for him. We had a choice between starting with an experimental treatment that would not fight cancer but instead would keep it in a sort of holding pattern. We thought since he was young, only 38, and still strong, we should start with the chemo first. Go on the offensive as it were.

I don’t know if it was the chemo or the cancer that ravaged his body…most likely both…but by this time he was so small and starting to get frail.

I miss him so much. I miss him before he was sick. I miss him while he was sick. It doesn’t matter. I just want him back. Even while he was sick, there were sweet moments. His favourite thing to do was smell my hair right after I took a shower. He would get me to lay my head on his chest as he lay in his hospital bed in the living room and he would put his shaky hand on my head while he took great big breaths in.

I miss everything about him.

Autumn is coming. Birthdays are coming.

Birthdays were always such a big deal for us. It was the one thing my parents always got right as I grew up and my husband always took such joy in celebrating them. Now things are different. No one else seems to share that joy with me like he did. Not even my mother and sister now. I used to love autumn for it’s birthdays, cooler temperatures, and lead in to Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Now I don’t know what to do.

I’m lost without him.

Hell on earth

•August 27, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Seriously, how much more of this hell do I have to endure? I can’t do it. I want oblivion.

I have 2 friends and they’re married and have their own life. I’m trying to cut down on the time I spend with them but it’s hard. I know they need their time.

I’m broken…a mistake. I can’t relate to people. I practically have no family and what I do have (mom and sister) are in another city and not very supportive. ..

All I do is whine and wish for death…I can’t take it. I can’t take the isolation…the missing him…the being caught between my past and a future that should have been.

Why do I have to endure this? Why?

Why did he have to die?

Why didn’t I die when he did?

What will become of me?

•August 27, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I miss my husband.

I miss the dog I recently gave up.

I stood in a field in the sunshine today with my remaining dog, looked up at the sky and whispered to him.

I asked so many questions.

I’m afraid there won’t ever be any answers.

Once upon a time I didn’t have to ask why

•August 27, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Why am I here?

Why did he have to die? If it had to be one of us, why couldn’t it be me?

Why am I still alive after he died? My life serves no purpose anymore.

Why am did I stay in this city on my own instead of going back to my hometown? Why do I feel more connection with people I’ve known for a few years as opposed to a mother and sister I’ve known all my life? Why does my skin practically crawl when I speak to my mother on the phone?

Why does cancer and becoming a widow make me a leper?

Why am I supposed to be happy about going from having a soulmate to being a third wheel in a basement apartment?

Why am I supposed to be happy with a future without my soulmate and always feeling lost and alone?

I had it all once I didn’t have to ask why.